did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
