She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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