if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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