rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
