tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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