I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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