The maid of honor just puked.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
