Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i love accidental penises.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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