When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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