Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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