I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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