I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
