I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
