Just cropdusted the office
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
