My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
