he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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