If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
