It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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