I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
