I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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