First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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