Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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