if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
