Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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