I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
