Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
