So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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