im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
