1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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