then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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