i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
