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i think i have two assholes
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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