You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
