Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
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I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?