I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
