I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
