this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
