I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
