You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
