I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
