someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
