i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
