I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
