weddingsv make me drug and hornr
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We are two peas in an std pod
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
