a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
