youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
that is very illegal...i love you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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