I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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