he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
