We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
