I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i believe in u and ur pee
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
