You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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