Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
