I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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