I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
