You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
