I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
