You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
