you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
