I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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