Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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