Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
